I confess: I’m a compulsive list-maker. When I graduated from high school, my yearbook prediction for the future was: “Grace spends the rest of her life making to-do lists. She never actually accomplishes any of the tasks.” Since then, I’ve gotten better at actually accomplishing the items on my lists. The making of the lists has not slowed one bit.
I can’t help it. Lists make me feel organized, categorized, on top of the world, or at least my chores for the day. I make to do lists, to watch lists, to read lists, to write lists, to buy lists, bucket lists, and more. So I will probably post lots of these.
Below please find a list of the top 10 things I think are overrated, at least for right now, in no particular order.
1. Gluten Free Anything
Let’s all get something straight, guys. No matter what Gwyneth says, it’s not healthy to be gluten free UNLESS YOU HAVE CELIAC DISEASE, in which case it’s unfortunately imperative. To the rest of you, you silly hypochondriacs: a) Stop making up health issues. b) Okay, fine. Your loss, not mine. Enjoy your corn meal whatever-that-is. Meanwhile, I’m going to go pick up a dozen bagels.
2. Mattress Sale
Listen, Leed’s lady, cut it out. The sheer number of commercials and radio ads that exist for mattress sales outweigh the number of people buying mattresses per day by probably a billion. BECAUSE YOU ONLY NEED ONE. EVERY MULTIPLE YEARS. Maybe more if you’re furnishing an entire house, in which case you aren’t going to coordinate your mattress purchase with your favorite store’s particular mattress sale anyway. So no Columbus Day mattress sale for me, thanks.
I mean like, come on. Quit cold turkey, chew the gum, or man up and smoke a real effing cigarette. And by the way, that electric contraption totally ruins your cool factor, which is probably why you tried that first cigarette to begin with, wasn’t it?
As I’ve already expressed in my Open Letter to Halloween, this holiday isn’t really my steeze. You can click the link for a more long-winded explanation, but here’s the gist: waste of money, waste of calories, waste of energy, waste of trash that everyone throws all over the streets while trick or treating or parading or drinking or whatever people do on October 31st that isn’t hiding in their apartments.
Peace, Love, Unity, Respect? A message to E-tards everwhere: Wipe that glitter off your face, take off your butterfly wings and 30 of your bracelets, and go home to your mother and father, who clearly didn’t raise you right.
And by the way, your eyes have rolled to the back of your head. Just FYI.
6. Unscripted Programming (Besides Award Shows)
So glad ^^these^^ are the kinds of messages we’re sending to American audiences!
Def: unscripted programming (n): low budget, scripted-but-dumber television programs designed to decrease intelligence, cultural sensitivity, and tastes of viewers since 1999 or actually 1948, if we’re getting technical. I mean, come on The Situation, Abercrombie & Fitch actually sued you for wearing their clothes. To quote my darling(s) Seth and Amy:
Really? I mean, REALLY?!
I’m biased. My prom memories are tainted with the emotional scars of a failed fake-tanning experience, balsamic vinegar on my white satin dress, and a series of post-prom party slutty makeout seshes gone awry.
**Disgruntled Prom Face**
As evidenced by the photo above, I might as well have worn a t-shirt that just said “Act a Fool” on prom night. But let’s be real: prom is overrated for everyone. I mean, who wants to watch an overpriced flower die on their wrist for an entire night? Give up your v-card on prom night? Betcha that sexytime wasn’t as hot as you thought it’d be. Still in love with your prom date? Didn’t think so. Let’s be honest, fancy-dress nights, as a whole, are never everything they’re cracked up to be. And the fancy dresses are usually the best part.
8. Cats/Cat Jokes/Single People Cat Jokes
Okay cool, I get it, you love cats. You have cats. Sometimes you stay home with your cats. Old single people also stay home with their cats. Extrapolation could lead you to believe you will someday end up like that.
Making self-aware jokes about it makes you feel better. None of these things can change the fact that your cat jokes remain unoriginal, unfunny, and tired. Enough already.
9. Paying for Cable…
…is SO 2011 guys. The Internet exists for a reason, and that reason is to allow humans to watch whatever they want, whenever they want, and to never have to know or care what’s on TV Land right now. Paying for cable is the TV watching equivalent of working for Dunder-Mifflin: out. of. style.
10. Maple Syrup
Made of sap. Which is tree piss. Boiled tree piss. Maybe it’s just me, but the notion of eating processed tree piss makes my stomach grumble (in the grossed out way, not the hungry way). Not to mention, shit gets all over the fork then all over your hands then all over your sponge when you’re doing the dishes. Messy. Viscous. Not worth the trouble, I say.
Well, that’s all I have to say.
Enough of my opinions for today.
Ta-ta for now, friends.
*Originally posted on http://mynameisgrazy.tumblr.com*